Resolution For Failure

Since it’s the New Year and many already see several weeks of effort thrown toward achieving their resolution, I thought I’d put together a stupid-simple, bulletproof set of rules to fail this year, just like so many millions did last year…and the year before that…and before that…

Rule Number 1: Eat a Healthy Breakfast

Listen to the celebrity trainers who’ve helped countless famed personalities stay fat and get fatter and start your day with a healthy breakfast of egg whites, oatmeal and a glass of OJ. Hell, while you’re at it, throw in a cup of blueberries too.

Not only will this combination potentially spark the creation of new fat cells[1-9], but it slows metabolism and prevents the body from burning fat for the rest of the day[10], as well as increasing hunger[11] for those days at the office where candy is constantly on hand to satisfy cravings.

(You can download an informative report about the evils of breakfast here.)

Rule Number 2: Eat Several Small Meals

Don’t even think about eating three squares, that’s stupid. It’s been shown that eating several small meals—6 or more—throughout the day does absolutely nothing to help your weight loss goals no matter how long you diet[12-40].

But don’t fret, even though most people fail simply because more than three meals per day is too hard to stick with, if you’re one of the tenacious few, the steely-hearted warrior, then after a few months, small-multi still won’t help with your weight loss, but instead, you’ll get an added bonus. Science shows that eating several small meals instead of three squares may possibly slow down your metabolism[41-45]. Which, at the end of the day, means you’ll have to eat even less to see any results.

(Read more here.)

Is this who you’d take fat-loss advice from?

 

Rule Number 3: Focus on Exercise instead of Diet

Don’t worry about diet so much because the only thing that matters, according to experts, is calories-in-calories-out. And if that’s true, then screw dieting: simply hit the treadmill for 2 hours per day. Over two dozen studies have proven that without dietary change, exercise causes…wait for it…ZERO pounds of weight loss over 12 weeks, and maybe a whopping 6 lbs after the first NINE months[46-69].

But, hey, guess what, if you do it long enough and fast enough, you’ll even shut down testosterone production if you’re a man[70-78], and turn the thyroid off if you’re a woman[79-89]. There’s no better way to stay fat or get fatter.

(Women, want to know how bad endurance training is for you? Read here.)

Rule Number 4: Don’t Eat After 7pm

Research has shown that if you eat all your calories in the first half of the day and don’t eat later, then you’ll lose mostly muscle mass[90-94]! The weight will go, but so will your metabolism as you lose precious muscle. You’ll be weak, flabby and your metabolism will be in the toilet.

Whatever you do, don’t eat right before bed, because that increases fat loss[95]—and we wouldn’t want that because Jillian Michaels would be out of a job helping people stay fat.

Rule Number 5: Hire an Overweight Big-Box Gym Trainer

Look, they’re fat for a reason and they can do the same for you. Are you an obese person trapped in a super-heroes body? They can help. Call now: 1-800-FATNESS.

Rule Number 6: Eat Plenty of Carbs

Carbs fuel the brain and body and supposedly you can’t live without them. So, avoid the fat and ingest the carbs because carbs have two magical properties: not only do they increase the body’s ability to store fat[96-97], but they can also be turned into fat[98-106]!

Forget about fat and protein: the body only needs these to survive, not to get fat.

The Ultimate New Years’ Resolution

Stick to these six simple rules of the experts and guarantee your absolute failure this year, just as you did last year and the year before that.

So why not try a new resolution this year? Don’t listen to the experts. Listen to the people who make it look easy. They’re the real experts.

 

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(After all the supporting evidence, if you still choose to listen to the experts, then go, never come back and enjoy your self-chosen torture and eternal love-handles and flapping arms. If nothing else, you should at least have a few tough questions for your guru to answer.)

  • Dave M.

    I’ve been doing CBL since October and rolled right into the New Year doing it. So, my resolution was to continue doing all those “terrible” things, like skipping breakfast and eating a ton at night (especially shitty carbs). What kind of crazy person would want to keep living this lifestyle?? I mean, it must be bad even I’ve stuck with it longer than those “healthy” options listed above, my strength has increased, I continue to lean down and overall I feel better than I ever have before doing CBL. Also, I never crash during the day anymore and can focus better than usual. Something must be wrong….right??

    I just wanted to thank you guys at DH for helping me making a complete change in how I approach fitness and nutrition. It doesn’t feel like a “program” that will eventually end and I will fall back into old ways. Not to sound cliche, but it is definitely an approach that became part of my overall lifestyle. I’m getting people to jump on the CBL bandwagon because they’re seeing how much it is working for me.

  • Damon Amato

    only 106 references? But my trainer read something Men’s Health….

  • Nick

    I’m not so good with the sarcasm, so this post was very confusing to me :)

    • Damon amato

      Nick, do the opposite of everything in the post and you’ll be fine, and just to clarify this is not sarcasm, the original post was.