How To Cook Brussel Sprouts DH Style

Let’s face facts: we’re made to eat meat. That might explain why I never developed a taste for vegetables. Either that, or because when I was going growing up, my only experiences with veggies were canned green beans, canned creamed-corn and canned peas. If someone would have quizzed me on where vegetables came from, I probably would have said, “a can”.

I only recently dove into the world of fresh vegetables and now enjoy things like okra and asparagus, broccoli and artichokes, even radicchio and radishes. Brussel sprouts never piqued my interest, however, until I had some at a local restaurant that cooked them simply, freshly and with only butter and lemon juice.

Of course, I went into the kitchen the next day with a bag of brussel sprouts, fired up the pan, cut them up and threw them in. And it took f*ing forever for those things to finish cooking. They were burnt, kind of raw in the center and, well, nasty. I’ve since made some improvements, cut the prep time down to about 6 minutes and and elevated the taste to bad-ass, which complements a bad-ass slab of meat.

What you need:

About a pound of brussel sprouts (or half a kilo)
1 tbsp butter
1 or 2 tbsp coconut oil
2 or more tbsp of lemon juice
Salt if you feel like it

Step 1: Rinse the sprouts

Who knows what farmers spray these things with these days. Hell, if they’re organic, you might be lucky enough to have a farmer that uses a mixture of pig shit and urine. So rinse these things off. If you’re smart and get ones from responsible farmers that use minimal amounts of artificial pesticides, then the residue will wash away. The bacteria from the pig shit won’t.

Step 2: Place into a Ziplock bag

I always use freezer bags for this step, just to make sure the bag doesn’t melt during the microwaving.

Step 3: Poke holes in the Ziplock bag

Just grab a fork and stab away. Be careful not to stab through a brussel sprout, as you may end up with some plastic in one. And you only need to poke one set of holes. Like a hot dog in the microwave, if you don’t poke holes in it, it might explode (although a hot dog exploding in the microwave is a worse mess).

Step 4: Microwave

Put the bag of brussel sprouts in the microwave (you can just throw them in without a plate) and heat on high for 3 minutes. Hit start–they’re not going to microwave themselves.

Step 5: A touch of nutrition: butter

While the microwave works its magic, put a frying pan on the stove on med-high heat and throw in a tablespoon of butter.

Step 6: Turbo charger

Of course, we want our brussel sprouts to provide more than green color on the plate, not to mention all those stupid minerals and vitamins everyone keeps going on about, so add some coconut oil.

Step 7: Remove the sprouts

Take the sprouts out of the microware. Make sure to wait until they’re actually done microwaving. They should come out of the bag a bright-green color. If they’re not, I’d throw them back in for another 20 minutes–just kidding: only put them back in for another minute unless you want brussel sprout baby food.

Step 8: Slice don’t dice

Cut the brussel sprouts in half. They cook way faster, plus it’s easier to tell when they’re done.

Step 9: Cook

Okay, you’ve got a pan with sizzling butter and a cutting board full of halved brussel sprouts. Even the CrossFit overlords can figure out what to do next, even though they can’t put together an intelligent training template.

Step 10: Lemony goodness

This is the time to squirt in some lemon juice. I like mine a bit tart, so I’m liberal with the juice. If you want to get creative, pretend like you’re writing your name in the snow.