Interview With The Coroner

Note: I’ve been away for some time now, but I am back and ready to resume where I began: delivering cutting edge information, scientific explanations and practical applications. I noticed that as the length of my silence grew, questions accumulated and eventually—even rightfully—speculation arose about my untimely demise, speculation that was not limited to the Internet. I seldom go to my normal gym anymore and when an avid DH reader saw me, he blasted me with questions. Hold up, I advised. Why don’t we sit down and you can do a pseudo-interview and when we’re done I’ll post it on my blog? What follows is my interview session with The Coroner (he preferred to stay anonymous because he’s apparently quite active on several forums, and as he always wears a coroner’s hat in the gym—as you can see in his photo—it seemed an apropos pseudonym).

The Coroner: Where the fuck have you been? You’re not dead and that’s about the only excuse I’d accept at this point. I kept waiting for your ass to show up on my coroner’s table.

Kiefer: (Laughter) Not dead, but my body sure felt like it for a while. I’ll be around the gym more often now.

TC: It’s cool you’ll be back in the gym, I miss seein’ you, but I gotta be honest, man: I’m more worried about when you’ll be back writing. You told me some crazy shit that works, and you never put it up on your site. Thought maybe your started spewing bullshit like everyone else and didn’t have the research to back it up, so you bailed.

K: Believe me, I can back my work up. I’ve been busy traveling, writing software, picking up new clients, putting together sponsorship packages for athletes, doing contest prep for bikini, figure and fitness clients, making a lot of industry connections and teaming up with some great people throughout the performance industry.

TC: Like who?

K: I’m working with Mark Bell of Bigger, Stronger, Faster fame and Super Training Gym and Jesse Burdick at Reactive Gym on doing seminars, and Jesse’s been helping me with some rehab work, as have Monte Spicer and Tammy Marquez from Kinetic Chain Sport.  I’ve been trying to setup deals with Jim Wendler and I’ve also just been put in contact with Erin Stern for a new product I’m working feverishly on. Hopefully this weekend I’ll meet Shawn Ray at Muscular Development and Lonnie Teper from Iron Man Magazine. Had a chance to hang out with Jason Pegg for a bit too—the guy’s a riot and intelligent as hell. It’s just crazy the people I’m meeting and the camaraderie in the various communities out there is inspiring.

TC: And who’re you sponsoring?

K: Ricky LaRocca, one of the top amateur Strongman competitors in the world right now, Alex Navarro, one of the top 5 nationally and internationally ranked fitness competitors, and, of course, Brian Carroll who just totaled 2700 last weekend with an 1145 squat, 780 bench and 775 dead lift.

TC: You bailed on your readers to run around the country schmoozing and giving time and money away? What the hell is wrong with you, dude? People out there are blowin’ up your forum wondering where you are.

K: Well, I have been preparing clients for shows, one of whom was my wife.

TC: I’ve seen her around here. She was fucking ripped for that show.

K: I know. My bikini competitor in that show looked pretty good too. I’ll throw their before and afters up on my site. They both made impressive transformations. I’ve got the whole impossible-to-lose-hip fat issue resolved.

TC: Speaking of the figure girls, I heard there’s a rivalry going on between you and Shelby Starnes.

K: I’ve never met the guy and he probably doesn’t know much about me. We use different techniques and any problem I have with his program has nothing to do with him. He deserves respect for being one of the leaders in understanding that carbs transform the metabolic workings of the body more than any other nutrient and for experimenting to find out successful protocols. I think my program is better, and if you ask him, he’ll say his is. But other than that, any supposed rivalry is, to the best of my knowledge, a rumor.

TC: Yeah, well, I may be one of the people who helped start that rumor on Facebook and on some forums. It sounded good.

K: Thanks a lot.

TC: I can see you’re not happy about that. You’ve got to admit, dude, you’re not real popular with some of the trainers in the area. I assumed everyone might hate you.

K: Only people who know me hate me. As for the figure and bikini coaches out here, well, that’s business. Figure and bikini competition brings in good money for trainers and they want to protect their business, but from what I’ve seen, 90% of them know the form, but don’t understand the function.

TC: What do you mean, they know the form but not the function?

K: It’s all cookie-cutter. Most of them competed at some point and someone gave them a diet and they followed it to the letter and now they photocopy it and pass it on for 400 or 500 bucks. It’s a crap shoot if it’ll work for the next person or not. They celebrate the people that it works for and pay little attention to the ones it doesn’t, most of the time telling them things like, “you didn’t do enough cardio,” which reeks of an incompetent trainer. I even know one trainer who told their client she failed because she must have eaten more than the 20 grains of rice for dinner that he prescribed.

TC: And they don’t like you because…

K: My girls look better, feel better and don’t bloat up like a deer carcass on the side of the road after it’s all over. And rather than ask me what I’m doing so they can help their clients, or paying me teach them, they just snub their nose in the air and hope that I’ll go away. The worst kind of human behavior stems from money and greed.

TC: That’s why you’re such a dick then, because it’s about the money?

K: (Laughing)

TC: Nah, man, I know you’re not really a dick, but you’ve got to admit you’re in it for the paycheck.

K: Not really.

TC: Bullshit, dude.

K: Look, I’m not motivated by money. I’m motivated by success. I want everyone I work with to succeed. If they don’t, I take it as a reflection on me, not them. If I’m hated, that’s why: if my clients fail, I take the blame, so I work closely with each one and use my knowledge to create a near perfect diet for them, not some cookie-cutter trash. If I put out a superior product, the money will come sooner or later.

TC: I know some of the girls and guys here working with the cookie-cutters. Dude…well, is it okay to say what their trainers are having them eat?

K: I’ll throw it out there: Tilapia and asparagus three to six times a day, 2 hours of cardio a day and a shit-ton of light weight, high-rep resistance training. It’s been the standard prescription for years and it still is. From a metabolic and gene-transcription point-of-view, the perfect plan to destroy muscle tissue, strength, screw up the endocrine system and make fat-burning a nightmare. Like I said, they know the form seems right because it’s what they did, but they don’t understand the function behind what they’re prescribing. In both cases—whether the client succeeds or fails—they really have no idea why.

TC: Uh…are you really going to put the program that people around here have been paying 500 bucks for up on your site?

K: Yes.

TC: No wonder nobody likes you, but yeah, man, one of the girls told me the other day about throwing up tilapia and asparagus almost every day, and finished with, “I’ve never looked this good before.” And these girls look hollow. Man, this other girl was so buff and built and now she’s puny. Makes me want to cry for ‘em ‘cause they bust their asses. Your trainees sure didn’t look anything like that. Hell, I couldn’t even see their ribs on stage because they still had so much muscle covering them. The difference is insane…

K: Is there a question in there somewhere?

TC: I wanted to ask what you do, but I know you can’t just tell me or some shit like that. Nothin’s free.

K: I’ll tell you what I have my physique athletes do: an optimized version of Carb Nite for each client and a tailor made Shockwave routine. End of story. They can buy an electronic version of Carb Nite online and download the Shockwave manual for free. But they have no idea how to optimize it; that’s where my expertise comes in.

TC: I heard another guy is selling himself as a pre-contest trainer and all he has his clients do is CrapFit, the Paleo diet and hours of cardio.

K: Yeah, I know. It’s irresponsible since the guy has never trained anyone for anything. You know, let’s jump on another subject. I don’t want it to sound like I’m trashing the sport, because I’m not or all of the trainers out there. Some good ones exist, but so do horrid ones. I admire the hard work and torture these women put themselves through to get onstage. I only want them to know they can work smarter and look better sans the torture.

TC: Fair enough, but, dude, I heard that former pro-chick at the gym hates your guts.

K: Yeah, whatever. Let’s move on.

TC: You promised to explain the science behind your Shockwave Protocol. I’ve been using it ever since you put it up on your site and, man, I’ve never been this strong without being a fat ass. Shit, I see my abs and obliques every damn morning…and that’s after a night of cinnamon rolls and French fries. I’m pushing 405 on the bench consistently when before 365 felt like it would crush me. I mean, what the fuck, dude?

K: I never noticed how bad your language is. A little color is good for the site, but come on.

TC: Sorry about that. This stuff excites me.

K: Well, to answer your “what the fuck, dude,” it is what it is: research, refinement, results.

TC: Okay, but you’re gonna explain it on DH eventually, right? ‘Cause, I mean, this sounds almost retarded, but I’m dropping fat too fast. I’m plateauing because I can’t eat enough. That’s why I started eating trash at night.

K: I’ve gotten that from a lot of the powerlifters and strength athletes. Carb back-loading makes the body so inefficient, it burns fat off, as Mark Bell put it, like you’re being paid to lose the pounds. I actually invented a diet that requires throttling techniques.

TC: Throttling techniques?

K: Ways to slow down the fat loss. I’ll write more on DH. Don’t worry.

TC: And what’s this about rehab work? What the hell’s wrong with you? I used to see you doin’ beastly shit, then you disappeared.

K: Well, I accumulated a collection of injuries that turned into chronic problems through neglect. I never took care of them in the first place and only did patch-work maintenance over the years. It got bad enough recently that I had trouble with normal day-to-day tasks, like picking up a pillow.

TC: Shit…

K: That’s what happens when you get hit by a car, spend 12-plus hours a day sitting in a chair writing software and lifting heavy all the time. What could have been a minor inconvenience becomes life-altering. I can’t ignore it anymore. All the muscular adhesions, pinched nerves, misaligned vertebrae and randomly-dislocating joints need to be fixed.

TC: Software? I know you’re a brainy fu…guy, but why are you doing software with all this other stuff going on?

K: Let’s say I’m trying to put all my knowledge and expertise in a box.

TC: That’s not vague or anything.

K: That’s all I’m willing to say right now, but when it hits, DH readers will be the first to know about it.

TC: I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but I’ve got one more if you don’t mind.

K: I told you I’d answer whatever I can.

TC: When I tell people about you and your site, they always ask, “what’s his thing?” I never know what to say, because you’ve got Carb Nite, you’ve got Carb Back-Loading, you’ve got your Shockwave system, you’ve even talked about a wellness program you made for the average joe. I can’t say carb cycling like when someone asks about Shelby. To be honest, dude, sometimes it even sounds like you contradict yourself.

K: I operate with three things in mind, you can call them the DH principles if you want:

1. Food is a drug
2. Exercise is gene therapy
3. Everything can and should be improved

TC: That’s it?

K: That’s it. But without an extensive knowledge base ranging from up and down regulation of gene expression, cell biology, the growth cascade, endocrinology, physiology, epidemiology, and even anthropology, those three principles won’t produce much. With that knowledge, however, those three principles create near-miraculous results. I’m not high-carb, low-carb, carb-cycling, green-faced, paleo or and I’m sure as hell not in the Zone. My thing is the precise application of science to any goal.

TC: Well, bro, it’s good to have you back.

K: Seriousy, did you just call me “bro”?

TC: Shit, man, sorry. You know how it is hanging out with meatheads. You hear that crap all day and sometimes it slips out.

K: Just giving you a hard time.

TC: Thanks for answering my questions.

K: I would say anytime, but you know better than that.

(We both stood and shook hands)

The Coroner: Haha…yeah, I know you hate being bothered.

Kiefer: Only when I’m in the gym…or out of the gym.

(And with that, we parted ways.)