There are no stupid question…oh, no, wait…there are. Look, if you’re going to be a nutrition guru, prepare yourself. Actually, you know what, let me prepare you. Here’re a few pointers to survive your entry into the world of Nutrition-Guru-goodness.
1) Acquire an ironclad stomach.
Typical party topic: “Hey, I wanted to ask you, every time I eat spicy Indian food, I get horrible diarrhea for two days. It’s…” Okay, I’ll spare you the details that they normally add as they describe everything from the color, consistency and nose-burning pungency, before they finish with, “What should I take or do for that?”
Wannabe Guru response: “I don’t know. It sounds like you might have some sort of food allergy. Do these meals normally include gluten?”
Kiefer response: “Why are you telling me this? Is this a discussion you’d have with your friend over a beer? Probably not. Don’t have it with me. I don’t give a shit even if that’s all you can do after eating spicy Indian food. And seriously, do I need to tell you that if every time you eat one particular type of food that your insides fall out, to stop doing it?”
2) Learn to deal with people you barely knew telling you they were once your best friend.
Typical Facebook message: “Hey, I just found you on here [even though they friended you six months ago] and was thinking about how good of friends we used to be. I see you’re in really good shape. I need a new diet and training program, can you give me one?”
Wannabe Guru response: “Dude, thanks so much for reaching out. I’d love to make a new plan for you. I work with celebrities and professional athletes all the time, but I’m sure I can spare some time for you.”
Kiefer response: “Yes, I can. My rates are $2000 for six weeks of training and diet.”
NOTE: This may seem harsh, but after five attempts of laying out a detailed diet and training program for supposed old friends, hoping for nothing more than a “thank you”, I learned that in either case, you’ll never hear from your old friend again.
I know this is how you imagine your back loads will end up on your first date, but don’t count on it.
3) Prepare for stimulating conversation on first dates.
Typical first date topic (also relates to (1) above): “You’re an expert on this, I’m sure. Every time I go on a ketogenic diet, my period gets really [again, I’ll spare you the details]… Is this weird?”
Wannabe Guru Response: “Not at all. I find that’s quite common amongst my 5000 or so female clients. It turns out that ketones are combustible [as if this has anything to do with anything] and can cause exactly what you’re describing. Let’s go back to my place after you have a few more drinks and I’ll explain the science.”
Kiefer response: “Yes, it’s really f*ing weird that 15 minutes into our first date you’re telling me about a process that I never have nor will ever have direct experience with. Would you like me to talk about manly things, like the consistency of my ejaculate when I’m ketogenic versus glycolytic? Would that turn you on? Probably not. You know what, let’s get the check and call this a fail.”
4) Develop a deep knowledge of supplements.
Typical gym topic (and this relates to (1) above): “I feel exhausted all the time, so I started taking 100 grams of glutamine every day. Now I have horrible stomach cramps all night and I’m constantly going to the bathroom and feel miserable. Do you know what’s causing that?”
Wannabe Guru response: “Well, glutamine is hydrophilic so it’s just cleansing you of toxins. You must be really toxic and maybe even alkylin. I think you should up the dose to 200 grams until your body gets healthy again.”
Kiefer response: “Yes I know what that is. It’s called stupidity. Who told you to take 10 times the maximum dosage of anything? You’re pissing out your ass all day because you’re poisoning yourself.”
5) Honesty really is the best policy.
Typical lunch topic: “Yeah, well, your diet sounds kind of strange. I’m going to stick with Weight Watchers, it really worked for me once, I just need to start the program over.
Wannabe Guru response: “I totally understand. The best diet is the one that works for you.”
Kiefer response: “Seriously? You’re a hundred pounds overweight and you’re going to sit here and tell me—someone who’s muscular and lean–that Weight Watchers worked for you? Stop lying to yourself. I bet that before Weight Watchers you were only 50 pounds overweight and now that you completely destroyed your metabolism you can’t stop the formation of a new chin every two months. Only idiots do the same thing over and over hoping for different results.”
The warm and fuzzy feeling you get from helping people, if you can endure the stupid questions.
6) Sarcasm is your best friend [see above for detailed examples].
Yes, all of these conversations are based in reality. I know it seems like it’d be as rewarding as seeing your cute and cuddly cat snuggle up with you on the couch, but the things you’ll hear people say can only be caused by severe brain damage. So prepare yourself for the glorious life of the Nutrition Guru.
ANOTHER NOTE: Don’t get me wrong. I love helping people, and nothing can tarnish the joy of hearing the success you brought to someone struggling for years with weight or fitness issues. But out in the real world, amongst those educated about diet by big-box trainers and the popular magazines, you better be ready for the dumbest conversations ever.
Featured Image by: pwig
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