Dropping the F*Bomb

WARNING: This essay contains vulgar language. Don’t read it…

A health-industry figure posted on their Facebook wall an expression of disappointment that someone dropped the F*bomb on a fitness-radio interview while their child listened. That someone in the interview could have been me, I don’t know. I don’t have any beef with the guy, so I don’t want to mention him by name, but I did think it appropriate to voice my opinion on dropping the F*bomb.

The pen is mightier than the sword. It’s an adage we all know even if we need to use Wikipedia to refresh our memory of the original author. And although I do use words in an aggressive manner—particularly when handing someone their ass—I can’t say I completely agree with the sentiment penned in the mid 1800s. Words, in truth, only have the power we give them and sometimes we give them too much.

Some words have a meaning so heinous, we can’t extract content from context, like incest. Others, however, depend on context, like shit, bitch, piss, asshole, pussy, damn and the ever-popular fuck: their meanings change radically depending on use.

No one complains when I say they’re the shit. But if I say their 24-7 fat loss solution is shit, they get kind of mad. By the way, people from Western cultures get really pissed off when you call them on their shit. To be honest, if they’d get their shit together and stop spewing so much shit, I wouldn’t keep giving them the shit-end-of-stick and they would stop appearing shitfaced during conversations with me.

Depending on your proclivities, the last paragraph may have offended you. If so, relax. I’m going to help you deal with your angst. Shit is a word. Nothing more. Obviously, when it refers to literal shit, you’d do well to avoid stepping in it or letting your kids play with it, otherwise, it’s harmless—unless, that is, you decide to supply it with the power to offend you. Remember that other saying: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? In other words, shit doesn’t mean shit.

Maybe not…

But what about that nasty little bitch of a word, fuck? It’s the chameleon of the lexical world, its meaning changing even with the tone of the speaker. It’s a single syllable with a lot of spunk. You can be a good fuck, bad fuck, naughty fuck or a lousy fuck. The first three clearly reference your proficiency or creativity as a lover; the fourth, well, it’s a bit vague because it might mean you’re a piece of shit, or it might mean you suck in bed. Hard to say: I would ask for clarification, just to be sure. If it is because you’re a piece of shit, for fuck’s sake, shut the fuck up and accept the fucking responsibility for whatever you did to fuck them over in the first place.

I could have written the last sentence in one of a dozen different ways, but the form fits the context of this article, an important feature of writing. I think this is something that our Facebook-offensee forgot. A good participant in a community will shift their speech and writing to be enjoyable to the people they want to communicate with. Could I write in Shakespearesque-style and thus be non-offensive and maybe even commended on my prose. Yes:

But why the fuck would I do that for a community devoted to hardcore physical performance?

Don’t think I mean to imply that fuck or any other expletive has no place in higher art. It does. Consider the following warning.

Fear foolish formulations from fraudulent fucks.

I crafted that sentence with three goals in mind:

1)      Display a strong sentiment about certain members of the health and fitness industry;

2)      Use only words that begin in f; and

3)      Form a complete sentence.

Oh and looky there, it contains a form of the word fuck. Sure, fools could have replaced fucks at the end, but then I’d need to replace foolish from earlier in the sentence with an alternative. Besides, without fucks, this warning fails to capture the true nature of these unscrupulous…well, fucks.

I’m pretty sure I’m on the naughty list.

Of course, some people overuse expletives, carpet-bombing the verbal terrain. This demonstrates a lack of vocabulary, education, interest in communicating well, or just an overall disdain for language. I don’t need to give examples because the world supplies a rich variety of people who speak thus, who spell monkey, munkee and end disparaging letters with: P.S. Domb (I assume they meant dumb, but who knows). I promise to never be one of these people, either in person, in writing or in recordings.

My advice to those insulted by the F*bomb or one of the many other expletives: recognize the skill in dropping the F*bomb in appropriate places, adding color to speech or writing and building rapport with a particular audience. If you’re worried about your kids hearing the aforementioned expletives because you label them dirty, then stop labeling them dirty. Instead teach them that asshole, ass, bitch, bastard, cock, dick, damn, donkeypunch, explosive-diarrhea, fuck,  hell, jackass, lameass, motherfucker, nutsack, piss, pecker, pussy, shit, tit, twat, unclefucker, vagina, your-momma and so on are simply utterances with no practical value. Not that they’re bad, dirty, or harmful, but that more impressive words exist to voice their opinion. Rather than dumb fucker, teach them to use Neanderthal—it conveys the same sentiment with eloquence and precision. Unless you mean a total idiot incapable of figuring out how to perform sexual intercourse correctly; in that case, dumb fucker is completely appropriate.